Talking for a Change
You don’t have to be in crisis to want more: more intimacy, more ease, more lightness. This is a space for couples who know their relationship is worth the effort.
“I don’t want to separate or start a new primary relationship, but after 30 years of marriage, I wish we had more intimacy, more fun, and better communication. I wish things were just lighter between us…”
— A client
You don’t have to be in crisis to want something better.
A New World, New Challenges
There has never been as large a cohort of people 55 and over who are healthy, physically active, economically self-sufficient, and less encumbered by cultural expectations of race, sex, gender, and age.
Many couples in this group want relationships and marriages that are more intimate, more communicative, more equal, more emotional, and more physically satisfying than what their parents modeled for them.
And yet the strategies that brought success in work, family, and relationships earlier in life are often no longer as functional as they once were. There aren’t enough good role models for this new world. As a member of this group myself, I set out to find solutions.
About me
I’ve been fascinated by psychology and relationships my whole life. I studied psychology, sociology, and social psychology in college and graduate school. In my late twenties, I led Encounter Groups and was mentored by leaders at National Training Laboratories (NTL). I have counseled hundreds of students and their families, and helped start a school that is still flourishing after 50 years.
I am not coming to this as an outside observer. I have been married for 30 years. I have four children and six grandchildren. I have been a very good husband, and a very poor one. I have been a very good father most of the time, and I have made some big mistakes. I am particularly interested in working with couples who have children, to help sort through any issues related to child rearing.
I have been trained as a Couples Coach through the Relational Life Institute, founded by Terry Real, whose methods form the foundation of my work. These approaches are evidence-based and draw on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT), and Motivational Enhancement Therapy (MET).
Formal Background
Teacher – Elementary through Graduate level · Education and Social Psychology Program Designer – Teachers College (Columbia University), University of North Dakota, Manhattanville University · Human Resources Manager at Masters School, Riverdale Country School, and International House, NYC · MBA in Organizational Development and Finance, Univ. of North Carolina, Chapel Hill · Trained Smart Recovery Facilitator
How It Works
You can be right, or you can be married. Not both.
Needing to win an argument is one of the most reliable ways to lose a relationship.
Complaining is the worst behavior modification strategy ever devised.
You cannot change your partner. You can only change yourself — and changing yourself, it turns out, is often enough.
Love happens between equals.
One of you can’t be permanently “one up” and the other “one down.” We’ll identify where that dynamic has crept in and work to correct it.Intimacy requires vulnerability.
You can’t be both vulnerable and entirely safe at the same time. That’s not a flaw in the process — it’s the process.
We’ll look at some of each of your pasts — what you learned growing up about how relationships work, and where those lessons may no longer be serving you. But our main focus will be on your present reality: what’s happening now, and what you want to be different.
I’ll push both of you to be more expressive and in touch with your current feelings and desires — more enjoyment, more physical connection, more lightness. Part of my job is figuring out what actually motivates the two of you, and working with that.
I am not here to fix either of you.
Your relationship is the client.
What You'll Get
- Both of you will have the opportunity to fully express yourselves and be genuinely heard, guided by an experienced third person
- We'll identify the "losing strategies" you've both been using — and you'll likely see some improvement quickly
- You'll learn skills that make you more relational not just with each other, but in other areas of your life
- If you have children, they will feel the difference (no matter their age)
- Your hour will be 60 minutes, not 50
- We'll work together for months, not years
- You won't have to become better looking, fitter, or richer to have a better relationship
- Research shows that 70% of couples benefit from couples counseling. Let's make sure you're in that group.
Some Common Concerns
“We’ve been together this long — shouldn’t we be able to figure this out ourselves?”
About 30% of couples can resolve issues on their own. But research also shows that the longer couples wait, the less successful they tend to be. If you’ve been working on the same problem for years without resolution, waiting longer is unlikely to change that.
“We’re doing okay — this seems like it’s for people in real trouble.”
In fact, couples who come in before things have seriously deteriorated tend to make the most progress. My client put it well: she didn’t want to leave, she just wanted things to be lighter. That’s a completely valid reason to be here.“My partner is reluctant to come.”
That’s more common than you’d think, and it’s not a dealbreaker. Often one person is more motivated at the start. Reach out anyway and we can talk about it.“I don’t want to dredge up the past.”
We won’t live there. We’ll acknowledge where certain patterns came from, but the work is focused on your present — what you want to be different starting now.“We’re too set in our ways to change.”
I’d push back on this one. The fact that you’re reading this page suggests otherwise. In my experience, the couples who say this are often the ones who surprise themselves most.“What if it makes things worse?”
It’s a fair concern. Any meaningful process involves some discomfort. But the goal is not to open wounds, it’s to build new skills. Most couples feel some genuine improvement within the first few sessions.Cost
About 12 years ago, I had a relational problem I couldn’t solve myself. So I went to a high-priced expert. $200 a visit at the time, and he didn’t take insurance. He was very effective and helped me and my partner solve our problem. But each time I counted out the ten twenty-dollar bills I handed him, I thought: how can a man or woman with a modest income ever get help?
I promised myself I would be part of the solution.
Sliding scale: $50 – $100 per session
That’s a full 60-minute hour — less than you’d pay for an experienced math tutor or a personal trainer.
Ready to see what's possible?
Send me an email at james@talkingforachange.com with your cell number. I’ll write back and we’ll find a time to talk by phone. After that, if it feels like a good fit, we’ll take it from there.
Zoom sessions are possible, but in-person sessions have been shown to be more effective.